Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Subway Pizza

A while ago I did something I'm not very proud of, something so vile and wretched that the most befitting punishment I can inflict on myself is to publish on the internets just how disgusting I am for the whole world to see.

I bought and (here's where it gets revolting) ate a pizza at Subway.

Is this a pizza or the head of Predator? I can't really tell but one thing is for sure: both will destroy you in the end and have no remorse about doing so. Alas, I'm getting ahead of myself. This all started after debating whether or not to actually do this to myself over the course of a week before finally letting my curiosity get the best of me and walking to my local Subway around the corner.

The big stainless steel box in the center of this photo is the electric hellraiser that brought my demon-spawn "pizza" to life. Homeboy taking my order actually had to go behind closed doors to fetch the frozen par-baked disc, which in my mind meant that they must sell around 3 of these things a year. He unwrapped the plastic, put the pie in the oven, punched in some numbers and walked away. Mere minutes later and this thing was staring me in the face:

Don't let my ace photography fool you- this is in fact a triangular piece of shit. At first glance you might actually mistake this for an edible slice of frozen pizza, but I assure you this wolf in pizza clothing is far worse than even your lowest grade Tombstone or Red Baron.

I'm not sure what they're using for "sauce" but it looked and tasted more like oregano-seasoned ketchup. Based on the way the pizza looked, I came close to trying to peel back the entire layer of cheese in one fell swoop just to prove a point, but realized I still had to eat this thing and would rather vomit after rather than before having to force it down.

Wow, I've heard people liken pizza crust to cardboard before, but I'm pretty sure this was actually made of cardboard. Maybe even the box it came in was edible!

I know what you're thinking: "That doesn't look so bad, it looks kind of like a DiGiorno, I'd probably eat it." Fine, go ahead and try it, but when you end up feeling like the guy from Alien don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. Hahaha. Awesome post. Can't remember the last time I set foot in a Subway. Clearly I have been walking the path of wisdom.

  2. I manage a Subway restaurant. I discontinued these frozen pizzas at my Subway. I may start making fresh pizza, the pizza dough will be the same as the breads we bake

  3. Wow, Interesting comments... You must be a very picky eater, and not have kids. I have had the pizza's many times and I find them good. Oh well, to each their own.


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